Captain Campbell's Poetry

[Penny Tray]

PIPER CRAMB

Oh! my name is piper Cramb,
And I'm never in a jamb,
Tho' I cannae mak' a sang like Rab the Ranter.
But a fig for violoncellos,
Just gie me my elbow bellows,
And I'll blaw three hunner muses thru' my chanter.

Tho' Roy Blythe should ever mingle
All his music in a jingle,
I can beat auld Bach and Mozart in a canter.
For I'll march aroon ye here
Wi' my crony, Willy Grier,
An' the haggis dancin' blithely tae ma chanter.

There's a daftie sometimes comes,
An' yer lugs wad burst their drums,
As he murders "Cutty Sark" and "Tam o' Shanter."
If he'd leave the job tae me,
Yer hearts wad loup wae glee,
As I blawed it wae expresion thru' ma chanter.

[Penny Tray]

WILLIE GRIER'S ADDRESS TO THE HAGGIS

Oh! Haggis, raise yer sonsie side,
Let all an' sundry look their fill,
But dinnae burst yersel' wae pride,
Or try tae shame the Cannon Hill.

Yer form will admiration draw,
As high ye raise re flanks aloft,
But keep yer e'e on Tommy Gaw,
If he gets near ye ye'll be scofft.

Oft have ye nourished men o' fame,
The Scots Brigade and Clan McGregor;
But aye keep mind yer faither's name
Is puir neglected "Scad the Beggar."

Gaze roon at a' the braw folk here,
Just note their ootside virtues noo.
As sure as my name's Willie Grier,
Ye'll soon enjoy an inside view.

An' noo yer time is drawin' short,
Farewell ye puddin' king o' note,
Noo haud ye tight an' be a sport,
I'm just aboot tae cut yer throat.

[Penny Tray]

STANLEY AND THE COOKS

Oh! the "Holloway's" deck hands are brawny and brave,
When wangling a plate or a cup.
The finest of eaters that sail on the wave,
And they're demons for "doubling up."

Just ask Electrician Stanley Munroe,
He'll tell you it's better than rummy,
To bet on the number of whacks you can go
Without bursting a fuse in your tummy.

He gambles his money with never a squeal
When "Mitch" picks it up in his hooks.
But he'll speculate not on the chance of a meal
In a ship where the Denholms are cooks.

When the ship laboured on through phenomenal seas,
The sickness afflicted him sore.
So he sprang from the table with doubled up knees,
And landed on deck with the door.

Tho' he sprinkled Lake Erie with cornflakes and bran,
In the form of a spasm of pukes,
"I'll be damned if I don't eat that supper," said Stan.,
"For the Denholms are wonderful cooks."

Hurrah! for the hunger no sickness can quell,
But, alas! for the excellent food.
For the lake soon possessed Stanley's supper as well,
Tho' he kept it as long as he could.

So Stan. put a curse on all water for good,
On lakes and on rivers and brooks,
For it's hell on a man to deliver up food
From a ship where the Denholms are cooks.

[Penny Tray]

A GREETING CARD

May I, a very humble bard,
Address to you this little Card,
Rough sailorly muse to your dainty ear,
Yet all devoted and sincere.
As out o'er the sea of life you fare,
I'll offer your idols this little prayer -
That your mornings may dawn with a melody sweet,
Kissed be each cobble that carries your feet,
Ever may friends be solaced by your smile,
Night's whispering hushed as you slumber awhile,
Health be the gift that your angels impart,
Ease for your wanderings and love for your heart.
As for your beauty! No poet could e'er I confess,
Do justice to what you already possess.

[morag]

I love him!
swoon again...

[Penny Tray]

This poem would seem to support discussion elsewhere on Threetowners that the stone lion outside the Caley Station in Ardrossan was moved there from Kilmahew House. And what a pity it would have been if it had been otherwise disposed of and not sited at this location. No mother in the 1950's was ever seen walking with her weans in Montgomerie Street, the weans were always running a hundred yards ahead to get a shot sitting astride the lion. The lion was always cauld too and a comfort to cuddle on a warm summer's day. I doubt if any Ardrossanite over 60 now wasn't pals with the lion. Great memories.

THE LION SPEAKS

Tak' notice a' ye decent men
Frae Saltcoats tae Montfode road en',
An' a' ye folk than bide roon here
Frae Whitlees tae the Lichthoose Pier,
That I o' noble beasts of scion,
Tae wit, Ardrossan's Smilin' Lion,
Hae flittit frae my auld location
Tae up fornent the Caley Station.

There's some folk here hae advocated
That I should be exterminated,
An' ane I ken expressed the view,
No' lang syne up at Kimahew,
That Skipper Francis o' the tug
Should tak' me like a messan dug
Tae six miles oot frae West Kilbride
An' drap me quately ower the side.

Anither man o' high degree
(Convenor o' a committee)
Hae said the Cooncil wad dae right
Tae dight me quickly oot o' sight.
"Because," said he, "for years it's been
On watch, and Guid kens whit it's seen,
An tho' it's just an auld antique
Ae day it micht think fit tae speak."

They baith maintained my smilin' face
Was ludicrous and oot o' place,
But gin they look aroon' they'll see
Some lion faur mair strange than me.
Just let them haud afore their e'en
A nearby factory magazine;
The cratur for the cover view
Resembles maist a Pooter doo.

I will admit that I can smile,
Tho', faith, it's haurdly worth my while
When a' the sensitive elite
Wad raither see a lion greet.
I hear them railin' at my smirk
An' sayin', when they gang tae kirk
"Gin that stane whuppit's like the lave,
Then Daniel wasnae just sae brave."

But, frien's, I'm safe frae a' that crew;
The precendent's created noo,
An' tho' they wished me muckle wrang,
They hesitated ower lang.
I'm noo an heirloom constitutit,
A fact nae mair tae be disputit.
Guid luck tae man and wife and wean,
I'll maybe never speak again.

[Penny Tray]

And, "Yes", those of us who ever sat astride the lion or wandered up and doon Montgomerie Street will well remember the smells that wafted from the Shell Mex and Brent's Chemical Works at this location.

THE LIONS SPEAKS AGAIN

I little thought, when last I spoke,
Tae a' ye douce Ardrossan folk,
That I'd hae need to speak again,
Faur less to grummle and complain;
But haud you, till I say my bit,
An' fine I ken ye'll a' admit,
When even timorous townsfolk howl
The lion has a richt tae growl.

Noo, jungle products, like mysel',
Pit up wae mony a wild-like smell.
We're no sae dainty or perjink,
We'll even thole a donricht stink.
But wow! Th' pestilential "hum"
Ejected frae the Shell Mex lum,
Wad set a rabid templar drunk,
An' petrify a practised skunk.

When I was saved frae extirpation,
Tae grace that blot, the Caley Station,
I felt that Burns was wrang tae prate
On humankind's inhuman state.
But weel he kent the wiles o' man,
An' lately I've jaloused their plan;
They saved me frae a kinder fate,
An' sent me here tae suffocate.

If I could hae between my claws
The workin' o' the ceevil laws,
I'd gie some vandals cause tae fear
Pollution o' the atmosphere;
And, as the speugh that fyles the nest,
Is ostracized by a' the rest,
The chiel that soils the caller air
Wad be a pariah evermair.

Ye folks can daunder oot o' range,
An' go to Salltcoats for a change,
While I, the King o' Beasts, in stane,
Am forced to thole it by my lane,
An' roon aboot the odours swirl
Tae gar the hail five senses dirl.
Ay, certies, o' this vile affair,
It's me that gets the lion's share!

[down south]

Loved those last two, PT. I feel quite sorry to have never known the friendly lion; before my time, alas... ( never came across it up on the hill where it ended up ).

Was the Caley Station such a " blot ", though ? That was before my time too, but looking at old pictures it seems to me to have been quite an attractive building as railway stations go.

Susan

[Penny Tray]

Susan,

I certainly never thought of the Caley Station as a 'blot'. On the contrary, for me, it had real character, and in my mind similar somehow to Eglinton School, Ardrossan, and Saltcoats Public School. It was maybe just a wee touch of poetic licence by the good Captain.

[morag]

Perjink...how can I work that into my next conversation, eh? ('cos ah'm gonna!)

[meekan]

Fine I remember the stink from the Shell Mex, in fact I can almost taste it.

Regarding the Caley Station I always thought of it as an OK structure certainly not as a blot. I sure one of the local railway enthusiasts told me that at one time the platfoms had an impressive glass roof above them, and that the roof was removed to be used in I think one of the Paisley stations. Maybe someone could confirm this??

[Meg]

Fine I remember the stink from the Shell Mex, in fact I can almost taste it.

One man's stink .....

I can shut my eyes and smell that familiar smell - my dad used to smell like a mixture of "shell mex" and soap from the shower when he came home from work.


Meg